New Beginnings...
Labels:
annabellejoy,
babysteps,
grief,
pregnancyloss
·
September 8, 2012
I'm standing on the far side of the playground, watching you play. It's your first day here and while I know you are scared, you are being brave. Being the big girl we've raised you to be. Showing us that you will not let your fear prevent you from living. It's a big step for someone not quite three yet. And it's a big step for me to let you go.
Change is good. Or so they say. And we've put you through some big changes lately, not the least of which being your new school. Deep down I know it was the right decision. For you. For us. You will flourish here. Grow and learn and experience new things. And you will do it with the grace and courage in which you approach everything.
As I watched you take your first hesitant little steps away from me and towards the playground, my heart filled with pride - and sadness. Happy from the smile on your face at the sight of bikes and sandboxes and slides and jungle gyms. For the friends you will make and the fun you will have. But at the same time, sad. Sad at the thought of your little sister - Annabelle. The beautiful little spirit girl you never got to meet, who will never take those same steps. Never bask in the excitement of new experiences, new playgrounds, new friends. A little girl who will never be more than a memory in my heart.
I miss her. I feel lost without her. Hurt at what our family will never have because she is gone. I feel like hiding. Like letting my grief and hurt win. But I want to be strong too. I need to be strong. For you. For me. For her. I want you both to know that no matter what, mommy will be there, to help you and to guide you. And right now I feel like I've failed at that. That my grief, my hurt, my sadness have taken away my ability to see the joy in you. To laugh with you. To play with you. But you remind me that life has to go on. That it's okay to laugh, to be silly and to play. To put one foot in front of the other and walk...even if only a step at a time.
Not that long ago I watched you take your first steps. And with each hesitant, wobbly step you took, I held my breath. Hoping and praying you wouldn't fall...and cheering you on when you stood tall. In some ways I feel like the tables have turned. That you are now the grown up, watching me take those first few #babysteps, just as I watched you take yours. Hoping and praying that I won't fall; and cheering me on when I stand tall.
I am taking these steps for you. Because you are my daughter and because I promised to always be there for you. To guide you. Teach you. Love you. And I do. Deeply. Madly. Truly.
You've stopped running and are standing in front of a giant, brightly colored jungle gym. It's big. Way bigger than the one you are used to. And I know you want to climb it. To conquer it. To get to the prized slide at the other end of it. But you're unsure how to do that. Just as I am unsure how to go on without Annabelle. But rather than walk away and let your fear win, you move forward and place your tiny hands on the ladder...and begin to climb. And as I close my eyes and hold my breath, hoping and praying that you don't fall, I am reminded: you can do this. And so can I.
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