Old Ghosts

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Friday, September 14, 2012

"In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."  ~Max DePree

We're here, again. The place where it all began. Where it all ended. I can feel you here with us, yet I am acutely aware that you are gone.  The last time we were here I was pregnant with you.  I joked that my full, round belly made it harder to move around; to get close to the sink; get in (and out) of bed.  I loved the way you kicked when I swam in the lake.  How I felt weightless yet full of life.

As I walk inside our cottage today, my hesitant, small steps full of trepidation, I feel sad. Empty. Alone.  My hand instinctively reaches to my now flat belly, yearning to feel you again, knowing I never will.  It took me a while to be able to walk into the bedroom and stand in the very spot where our lives changed.  But I did.  At the foot of the bed, where I changed your big sister's diaper and felt my water break. I will never forget that moment; those few seconds in which you announced that, ready or not, you were coming.  I cried then. I tried to tell you "no, it was too early.  You're not ready. We're not ready. It's not time.  You have more growing to do. You're still too small". 


But you knew different. You knew that you'd grown as big as you could grow. That you weren't meant to stay inside for another 16 weeks. You had another purpose. You couldn't be who we wanted you to be. You needed to be what you wanted to be, and you needed to show us that it was okay. And that we needed to let you go.  Three days later, we let you go.

I am crying now as I did that day. Crying for you and for us.  For all the moments we will never share; all the things we will never see you do.  And I'm crying at your beauty. Your strength. Your courage to give up so much of yourself for us.  And somewhere, deep down inside, a small part of me is smiling. Smiling because I took another baby step forward. I wasn't sure I could do this; face this place, this room, these memories. I wasn't sure I could be here without you.  But I am.  I'm here for you. For Audrey and Daddy- who love this place so dearly. And for me. 

We came here this weekend to heal.  To exorcise old ghosts and make this beautiful place happy again.  And to bring you back here. To lay you to rest on the waves of the lake that sits right outside our door.  To make you a part of this land and to make this land a part of you. So that when we visit again we will be coming to see you and so that you can see us; in the waves and the sand that your big sister will splash in. In the sun that rises and sets on the horizon outside our window.  In the moonlight that dances on the water when Daddy and I sit out at night; in the stars that shine brightly on us...and maybe, just maybe as we introduce this place to a future younger sister or brother. 


Fly high my baby butterfly. Mommy loves you. I'll see you again soon.


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